DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have two children. When we met, he worked two union jobs, paid his bills, saved his money and took care of his mother and grandmother when they needed his financial support. About six years ago, he decided he didn’t want to work with the union anymore, and I supported him in exploring alternative career paths. He has tried currency trading, personal training and used car sales. Nothing seems to stick.
I work five days a week and have a part-time job on the weekends to bring in extra income. We are unable to make ends meet, and my extended family often has to bail us out because we can’t pay our bills. I told my husband I need him to start making a decent income again. He said he would, but I see little effort from him in terms of gaining solid employment.
Our relationship is not going well. I have lost faith in him. I want to stay together, but I need him to provide for his family. I don’t know how much more of this I can tolerate. Please help. — OVERWORKED AND UNDERWHELMED
DEAR O & U: Your husband has gotten comfortable with letting you do the heavy lifting in the family. If you don’t give him specific goals and deadlines, he’s not likely to clean up his act.
State the exact monthly income you need him to provide, even if he ends up working several part-time jobs to do so. Then give him a certain number of job applications he must complete each day. If he doesn’t reach these goals by a certain date, the next step will be separation. This may seem harsh, but remember that you and your kids are suffering because he isn’t pulling his weight.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 36 years. During the last 12 years, he has had heart surgery and some depression. He refuses to get out of his easy chair and do anything. He won’t bathe or shower and insists that washing off in the sink is good enough. He smells, and I’m embarrassed to go places with him because of it.
I have tried to encourage him and let him know how I love a clean-scented man. He just doesn’t care. I won’t even kiss him. He refuses to help around the house and expects me to do everything. I still work, and we are raising a granddaughter. I’m no longer in love with him but I do love him. I have wanted a divorce for a while now, but, financially, I can’t afford to live on my own. Thank you for any advice. — ALL WASHED UP
DEAR ALL WASHED UP: You need to discuss this with a doctor who can advise you about the options for treating depression and apathy after heart surgery, as well as an attorney who can help you determine if enough assets have been acquired during your 36-year marriage to allow you to live independently. Once you have that information, you may be able to give your husband an ultimatum and force him out of the easy chair and into a healthier lifestyle, which could add years to his life.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
