Last week I wrote about 2020 Prohibition Party vice-presidential nominee and Georgia-native Billy Joe Parker, and included some excerpts from a recent letter he had sent me. He shared his insights and commentary on the socio-political state of our nation, and provided what I have to assume could only be a fool-proof roadmap on how to “right the ship.” Beyond that, Parker went into great detail about certain aspects of the American experience which he finds irredeemable; like marijuana, “the homosexual AIDS” and women.
Falling victim, as I often do, to my own hubris, I foolishly stated how I liked the fact that Parker sent me this utterly insane letter because it is a testament to the strength and necessity of the First Amendment. Well apparently old Billy Joe read that, turned to a friend and said “hold my Schweppes Bitter Lemon…I’ve got some more writing to do.”
I received a second letter from Parker on Oct. 2, and my man was focused. But with his second letter, Parker’s focus was more singular, and he unleashed a tsunami of verbal-vomit targeted at “the child hating women who would destroy all unborn children because of the woman’s hatred which burns inside of her caused by the absence of love for all children, absence of love for God, an absence of love for the nation and a perverted love for self.”
There’s a lot to unpack here. But what immediately jumps out at me is how Parker is really trying to raise his game from a technical-writing standpoint. His opening statement is artificially aggressive. It’s intentionally disorienting to subvert the reader’s expectation of what comes next. It’s called “shock and awe.” Ron Kovic used it with the first line of “Born on the Fourth of July,” and Howard Stern still uses it on the radio. I’m not super surprised, though. As a former candidate for federal-level office, I have to imagine Parker has some familiarity with speechwriters.
He led with repetition: absence of love for children, absence of love for God. Now here comes the floating opposites…
“Where did it all go wrong? Where did woman suffrage all go wrong? From the first, it was to escape the child to pursue praise, wealth and to exalt the lust for sex with men and to be praised for professional competence. Only the power and lust to kill were the real reasons why females wanted to vote. To leave love and the children behind.”
Now for the grand finale, we end our thought with something that’s different from the other things…
“When Rogers and Clark first saw the Pacific Ocean after trekking thousands of miles across endless wilderness, they said, ‘Oh, the joy!’”
I think my man is trying to say “Lewis and Clark.” Rodgers and Hammerstein were the guys who wrote about girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Although I can see where Parker could confuse them.
Freudian-slip notwithstanding, Parker’s bridgework isn’t bad. He transitions fairly smoothly into his summary.
“How much greater than all the oceans of the world is the American girl that God hath wrought? Why does the queen bee want to sting the American girl to death and the useless male female dominated drones let her do it. Because they have become insects and slaves to the Queen bee. Why have we let the useless male drones kill the American girl? Because we have become insects and slaves to the Queen bee.”
I’m now forced to concede that I may have misjudged Billy Joe Parker. The guy is trying to write in iambic pentameter. He’s failing miserably at it, but he’s trying. After his first letter, I wanted to call Parker a whack job, but a female co-worker informed me that I shouldn’t do that. I trust her input, because she is smarter than I am. (Eight times smarter.) I feel confident writing that a female co-worker is smarter than me because, if what Parker states is true, I must be a non-dominating male who exhibits drone-like behavior. I must be acting out through passive-aggressive behavior because what I really want to say about Parker is that I think his words come from the mind of a sociopath, or a whack job. I say that under my own volition, and free of any editorial connection to my newspaper of employ, and despite being unqualified to offer any medical, mental or emotional diagnosis. I had to write that because the Queen Bee told me to. Again, I am okay with that.
While Parker and his running-mate were by no means the “Dark Horse” candidates in the 2020 presidential election, they did manage to collect nearly 5,000 votes on the national stage. And what makes that even more frightening is that they did it without ever setting foot outside of Georgia. They barricaded themselves behind a wall of unread bibles and campaigned to be the leaders of the free world, and 4,834 people thought that would just be the cat’s meow.
But since Parker is embracing speechwriters, I’ll share a quick story that was told by one of my all-time favorite speechwriters. He told the story probably 20 years ago, but it’s still relevant.
“When you think of Afghanistan, think of Poland. When you think of the Taliban, think of the Nazis. When you think of the citizens of Afghanistan, think of the Jews in concentration camps.
A friend of my dad’s was at one of the camps. He used to come over to the house, and he and my dad used to shoot some pinochle. He said he once saw a guy at the camp kneeling and praying. He said ‘what are you doing?’ The guy said he was thanking God. And my dad’s friend said, ‘what could you possibly be thanking God for?’ He said, ‘I’m thanking God for not making me like them.’”
Now I am a million miles away from perfect, and I gave up praying a long time ago. But I thank God for not making me like Billy Joe Parker.
There is a little girl growing up right now in Tulsa, or Camden, or Sacramento. Maybe she’s growing up in Lewisburg, or Beckley, or Rupert. And one day that little girl is going to win a Pulitzer, or be president, or cure cancer. (That’s called the “rule of threes,” Billy Joe. It’s the literary format the New Testament was structured with.)
Billy Joe Parker asked the question: “How much greater than all the oceans of the world is the American girl that God hath wrought?”
She is much, Billy Joe. She is much. You, not so much…
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