DEAR ABBY: Twenty-six years ago, I began what was supposed to be an affair with my current girlfriend, “Lacey.” I was married at the time, and when my then-wife caught me, I was told we needed only to figure out who got what out of the marriage. Believing there was no salvaging the marriage, I took what was available and stayed with Lacey.
My ex-wife moved on, and we divorced. Lacey got pregnant. After the birth of our daughter, and having become “Dad” to Lacey’s other two children, I stayed. The biological father of Lacey’s young children was deceased, so I raised them as my own, the same as my biological child.
Now, after years of regret about screwing up my marriage, I mustered the courage to contact my ex-wife via social media. We connected via a messenger app for a few days. After those conversations went extremely well, we eventually exchanged numbers. There were lots of truths told, some good, some bad, but all in complete honesty. The conversations have been emotional and uplifting. I feel happy thinking about her and hope someday to see her again in person.
I have been unhappy with Lacey since the beginning, always regretting the screwup I made in losing my first wife. Now, speaking to her again, I feel motivated to leave Lacey. There seems to be an honest connection with my ex, and we both hint at rekindling the relationship. How do I broach this subject civilly with Lacey without ruining my relationships with all of my kids? — SORRY IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR SORRY: Do not expect a civil conversation. Expect instead that Lacey will be angry, threatened and furious. It may cushion the blow to mention that you haven’t been happy for years, and that you will see that she is provided for financially in some way. (Discuss this with a lawyer beforehand.)
Explain to your grown children that you have not been happy for many years, but because you love them, you stayed with their mom until they were all adults so their lives would not be disrupted. If you do this gently and reasonably, they may listen.
A word to the wise: There is no guarantee that returning to your ex-wife will bring you the happiness you are expecting. Premarital counseling and a long courtship are essential to ensure you aren’t jumping from the fire back into the frying pan.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, “Ted,” is divorced from a woman who now has Alzheimer’s. Ted has been the only one to step up to help her through this difficult time. It takes a lot of his time and effort and weighs heavily on his mind.
I admire Ted for his loyalty to someone he once shared a life with, but now she wants him to go on a cruise with her and a couple of his relatives. Ted says she doesn’t get to travel much now, and he sees nothing wrong with this because she’s paying his way. I am not invited. I feel this goes above and beyond his involvement with her health management. When is enough enough? — SECOND FIDDLE
DEAR SECOND FIDDLE: Ted’s kindness is admirable, but his willingness to set you aside and vacation with his ex-wife crosses a line. Tell him either you accompany him on the cruise, or he shouldn’t bother coming back from it.
