DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 30 years. We both were previously widowed and have grown children and a large number of grandchildren. From the beginning of our marriage, we funded many things for our children — cars, college, weddings, eating out, shopping trips, vacations, etc. Because we’re now retired, we can no longer afford to foot the bill for everyone. Yet, since this pattern has gone on so long, it’s expected. No one even offers to pay for anything if they’re with us.
Because of this, we have decided to no longer participate in some family activities. We simply can’t pay for everything. None of the “kids” seems to realize that we’re trying to live within our adjusted means, or that even if we had the money, we should not be obligated to continually foot the bill.
On the other hand, on our special days (Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays, etc.) only one of the grown children even bothers to send us a card. At Christmas, all of them receive a nice card and a family check from us. The one who sends us the Christmas card includes a gift card. The other five seldom even respond with a “thank you.” Sadly, most of the grandchildren are the same way. Their birthday cards and checks are never acknowledged.
I’m ready to quit sending anything to anyone and act ignorant when a server brings the bill to our table filled with family. My husband feels these expenditures are like doling out their inheritance early. We both are by nature generous people, but I think we’ve been taken advantage of by those we love. Do you agree? — MONEY MAMA IN MICHIGAN
DEAR MAMA: Your children’s manners are atrocious, so it’s no wonder their laziness has been passed down to the next generation. However, some of the blame for this state of affairs lies with you and your husband, so I hate to accuse anyone of taking advantage of you.
At the time of your husband’s retirement, a family conference should have been held in which you explained your new financial reality to your children. Because that didn’t happen, they should not be blamed for assuming nothing has changed. Schedule that overdue conversation as soon as possible. When you do, feel free to mention how it makes you feel when your gifts are not acknowledged.
DEAR ABBY: Is it rude to tell a stranger or a customer that their zipper is down? I asked a few colleagues, and they all said they would want to be told. I did this twice with customers last week. Both appreciated it, and one said I was his “new best friend” for speaking up. What’s proper? Or should I “zip it”? — JUST TRYING TO HELP
DEAR TRYING: As long as the message is delivered subtly or privately, you are doing the person a favor. It falls into the category of telling someone there is toilet paper on their shoe, lipstick on their teeth or, perhaps, that they should wipe their nose again. It is a kindness.
