DEAR ABBY: I am reaching out as a single mother grappling with a serious heart-lung condition. My son’s father abandoned us when I was pregnant, and I haven’t heard from him in more than a decade. Thankfully, my parents have been supportive co-parents during the years when my health made things incredibly challenging.
I have always encouraged my son to express his feelings and have assured him that his emotions are valid. We share a strong bond, and he feels comfortable discussing anything with me. Recently, he confided that he feels unsafe at his grandparents’ house, where he spends two nights a week. He revealed that his grandmother is verbally abusive and critical — laughing at him when he makes mistakes, calling him a “loser,” making sneering comments and speaking poorly of me when they are alone, even though she’s pleasant to my face.
My mother’s behavior is deeply troubling. My son is scared to have me confront her because he’s worried he will be punished for sharing his experiences. In any other scenario, I would tell my mother that until she chooses to not abuse, he won’t be staying over. However, we have a mediated agreement that allows for those two overnights a week. I fear my mother could manipulate the situation and lie to the courts to maintain this arrangement. What should I do? — HOPELESS AND OVERWHELMED IN OREGON
DEAR HOPELESS: Something has gone wrong with the arrangement you have with your mother. Any extreme change in behavior is troubling, and if her change of behavior is recent, she may need to be medically evaluated. What you need to do now is discuss this sorry situation with an attorney who may be able to challenge the custody agreement and protect your son from your mother’s abuse.
DEAR ABBY: My son “Scot” recently remarried. I wasn’t involved in any of the preparations. I was also not acknowledged at the wedding and felt like just another guest. My son decided to change his last name without informing me about it. When I asked why, he said he had no claim to the name even though he has a brother and children with that last name.
Am I wrong for feeling I’ve been punched in the heart for not being involved in this decision? The hurt is real. — MOM WHO DOESN’T MATTER
DEAR MOM: With this new marriage, Scot is starting over, and the name change may be his way of creating a new beginning. Obviously, you and your son are not close enough that he confides in you, or he might have spoken to you about his decision and explained it beyond feeling he had “no claim” to the name he, his brother and his children were raised with. Scot’s decision was a personal one. Whatever his reason, it has nothing to do with you, and it should not be regarded as a “punch in the heart.” (A flip of the stomach, perhaps, but in no way related to you.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
