DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married to “Chuck” for 40 years. We’ve had a fairly decent life together, even though Chuck drank heavily for 35 of those years. Now, as we enter our twilight years, he has experienced various medical problems, which have prompted him to stop drinking altogether. Although this is a good thing, I still would like to have a drink once in a while.
When I imbibe (no more than two or three), Chuck becomes irritable and starts fights. There is no violence, but he snaps, swears and then gives me the silent treatment. Please advise me about how to handle this. I’ve been trying to “sneak” my drinks behind his back, but why should I?
By the way, I have contributed more than my fair share financially and have taken on all domestic responsibility in this relationship, pretty much since Day One. Am I stuck with Chuck? — LIGHT DRINKER IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR LIGHT DRINKER: Have you not read anything the former surgeon general posted on the internet about alcohol consumption? More than ONE drink a day for women may increase the likelihood of cancer of the breast, esophagus, stomach, pancreas and colon. You may want to consider curtailing YOUR alcohol intake.
The fact that seeing you imbibe has such a negative effect on your husband may be an indication that his own sobriety is shaky. If you really feel the need to have an alcoholic beverage (or two or three), consider doing it away from the house with women friends.
DEAR ABBY: My wife is a wonderful and loving person. She has only one fault, but it drives me crazy. Our house is well maintained, but she is a closet slob. Every closet, every cabinet, every drawer and every storage space is crammed with junk. Her walk-in closet is piled waist-high with stuff. You can’t walk in there. You also can’t open a single drawer in the house because of the stuff crammed inside.
These aren’t precious belongings. It’s simply junk that hasn’t been used in 15 years. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had to move boxes around to get to something I need or to fix something. I have tried talking to her about it, writing her a letter about my feelings and just getting mad. Nothing works.
My anger has built to the point where I cannot take it any longer. Every time I stumble across the mess, I get angry. It is no longer rational, and I am even losing sleep over it. My wife treasures her possessions more than she treasures me or our relationship. What can I do? — BLOCKED IN MONTANA
DEAR BLOCKED: Because you’re losing sleep over this and are ready to throw in the towel, address your concerns to your wife in those terms. Tell her that because you aren’t communicating well on this subject, you want the two of you to consult a licensed marriage and family therapist.
People who have the tendency to hoard the way your wife does sometimes suffer from anxiety, depression or some other emotional problem. There is help for it, thank heavens. But you have to ask for it, and your wife has to be willing.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
