DEAR ABBY: My husband, “Al,” and I are retired and live on a farm with a great son and daughter-in-law. Al is the best person I have ever known, and he adores me. Everyone loves and respects him, and they seek his friendship, approval and advice, which is usually right. He’s a rarity. Our son “Trent” and his wife idolize him.
My issue? When people, especially the kids, need advice or have questions, they call Al. If they need help, they call me and ask for Dad. (I am never asked or called.) The kids do love me, but Al has the “magic.” I’m terrified at the idea of him passing before me. I’m afraid everyone will be mad at me for not dying first. This is not self-pity. I’d just like to feel needed and wise, too. Please advise me on how to not feel worthless because I’m not like my husband. — OVERLOOKED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR OVERLOOKED: In your marriage, your husband is the dominant partner, the figure who gets the majority of the attention. This happens often with politicians and entertainers. It takes a special kind of spouse to be as supportive as you are and have been.
I’m sorry you don’t value yourself more highly. You have successfully raised a son and have a healthy relationship with your daughter-in-law. Because you feel so deep in Al’s shadow, it’s time to talk to him and your son about this. They may not realize how sad you feel.
As to your fear about him “dying first,” women usually outlive their husbands. No one would “hate” you for surviving. You are neither worthless nor a nonentity; you are simply someone who is unaware of her own value.
DEAR ABBY: Some of my very good friends are married to less-than-stellar partners. There are money issues, infidelity, abuse and everything in between. I hear about their issues constantly, and I don’t know how to respond anymore. It’s difficult seeing close friends struggle when there’s not much I can do to help.
I know these friends are not asking for help — just venting — but thanks to phones and texting, I get updated on their drama every day. I have muted their texts and respond less often. Despite all of this, I still find it very difficult knowing the struggle they are experiencing. It makes my chest hurt and my heart heavy. How do I navigate this and protect my sanity? — LISTENER IN TEXAS
DEAR LISTENER: Navigate this and protect your sanity by being honest with these friends. Tell them you care very much that they are having marital troubles, but you are not qualified to help solve their issues. (It’s the truth.) Then advise them to consult a marriage counselor, psychologist or an organization that supports victims to help them break the cycle. If you do, it may lessen your stress level as well as theirs.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
