DEAR ABBY: I have been married more than 20 years to my best friend. She’s the love of my life. We have been through a lot together and have been in couples counseling for eight months. We almost divorced last year because of an emotional affair I had seven years ago. (She had a similar distraction last year.)
We are friends and do everything together. I try to do everything right. I’m there for her emotionally. I have stopped drinking every day and developed a positive, mindful and kind mindset. I got myself into shape physically. I earn a good living, help around the house, prepare dinner for all of us and help with kids’ appointments and activities.
The problem? My wife has physically withdrawn from me. Anything beyond hugs and kisses is too much for her. Physical intimacy happens less than once a month. I feel alone in my own home because I thrive on touch and affection but receive none. I love my wife and don’t want to be with anyone else. The counselor says things “may” turn the corner “in time.” In the meantime, how do I function while feeling undesired and rejected on a daily basis? — FORGOTTEN HUSBAND IN THE SOUTH
DEAR HUSBAND: You have my sympathy. It is possible that as much as you and your wife like and love each other, you are better friends than spouses. Because after eight months of counseling with your wife nothing has changed, there are no gestures of affection and you feel alone in your own home, it’s time you found a psychotherapist of your own. It’s clear that joint counseling has not been helpful.
DEAR ABBY: How do I get my daughter-in-law, “Darlene,” to clean up after herself? I live in the house, pay rent and help with the bills, but she constantly creates a mess in the kitchen and everywhere else. She fills the sink with dishes daily and never washes pots and pans, to the point I can’t use the kitchen to cook. Darlene doesn’t work and has nothing to do all day but create a disaster and wait for me or my son (her husband) to clean up behind her.
My son and I each work full-time. He does all the laundry, cleaning and cooking. If I say anything, Darlene gets defensive and makes all kinds of excuses why she can’t. (It’s sheer laziness.) If I say anything to my son, he defends her because she whines and cries about how “tired” she is and claims to have all kinds of illnesses (her stomach hurts, she’s on her period or just too tired). She stays up late every night and can’t wake up to get my grandson to school, so my son does it every day.
I’m at my wits’ end, but I don’t want to create an environment where Darlene will ignore me and turn my son against me. Help! — OUT OF BALANCE IN THE SOUTH
DEAR OUT OF BALANCE: You cannot change the unhealthy dynamic in your son’s household unless he and his wife agree to do so. From what you have written, that isn’t likely to happen. Be glad that you are fully employed, because the healthiest situation for you would be to make other living arrangements.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
