DEAR ABBY: Last year, after several years overseas, my husband and I returned stateside and moved to my hometown. It has been a lonely transition. One of my friends from school, “Skip,” has helped, but more and more, he dominates social situations by framing what people first learn about me and my husband. It is usually unflattering or one-dimensional, or he’ll include me in a one-time event story but make it sound like it was my whole life, which it isn’t.
Skip also dominates a conversation and always has to be right. This interferes with our meeting other people, and it leaves my husband feeling alienated and even more alone. He would like to meet and have conversations with new people, but Skip doesn’t take it well when I try to explain that his behavior is stifling.
Should I pull back, or try to broach the subject of allowing my husband and me to interact with new people without Skip framing who we are before we meet them? — MISREPRESENTED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MISREPRESENTED: Carve out time for you and your husband to socialize independently from your old “friend,” who does not seem like much of a friend from where I’m sitting. Use that time to look into volunteering opportunities for yourself and your husband, separately if necessary, and joining other social or special interest groups. If you do, those folks will have the opportunity to meet the real you, and your husband may begin to feel less isolated. Please don’t wait to start, because if you do, your husband may become depressed from the continued social isolation.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has two grown children from his first marriage and two grandchildren. When I met him, he was still in what he described as a very unhappy and unhealthy marriage of 30 years. Because of this, his family has labeled me a homewrecker. While his children are polite and cordial, we don’t have any kind of relationship with each other.
My husband feels that for every holiday, we must host his children for some portion of the day, after which they can go be with their mother and other family. I don’t think I should have to open up my home and cook for people who don’t like me. Could you please provide me with some guidance? — LOOKING FOR WHAT’S FAIR
DEAR LOOKING: Please consider a change in attitude. You stated that your husband’s children are polite and cordial with you. They may not dislike you as much as fear that getting too close to you might alienate their mother. Your husband should be able to invite his children into the home you share if he wishes, and the atmosphere should be as warm and welcoming as you can manage. (“Kill them with kindness.”)
If there is a lot of work involved, your husband should help you with it if he can. If you can manage to do this, you may be able to improve the relationship you have with your stepchildren, which will benefit everyone.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
