DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for seven years. My significant other, “Gabe,” and I bought a home together. We are also raising three of his grandsons. I pay half of the mortgage, utilities, food, maintenance and personal necessities. We both pay for our own insurance, car loans and gas.
Abby, there are four of them and one of me. This means utilities and food are used more by them than by me. I’m always after the boys to turn off the lights when not in use and to shut the doors after entering and leaving the house. We live in Arizona, so you can imagine electric bills during the summer, especially in a very large home.
Because Gabe earns more money than I do, I have tried talking to him about the cost. I feel he should pay a higher percentage. Each time, I give him the monthly amount that I spent. He then goes through it with a fine-tooth comb and pays only what he thinks he should pay for. We argue about it every single month. It’s driving me nuts, and the upfront costs are breaking me. Please advise. — PAYING MORE THAN ENOUGH
DEAR PAYING: That Gabe earns more than you do should have been taken into consideration at the time you began living with him and his grandsons. Financial counseling might help you to determine what such an adjustment would mean in terms of dollars. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling is a reliable resource. Because these monthly financial disagreements could erode your relationship, please consider couples counseling in order to work out a plan that is fair for all parties concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I’m having problems dealing with the death of my fiance, who died by suicide 10 months ago. I blame myself partly for his death. While I realize I didn’t buy the medicine that killed him, I did move out of the house we shared because of his attitude toward me.
I can’t seem to come to terms with his death. I feel responsible because I left the home we shared. I am seeing a counselor, but I’m not making the progress I was wishing I could. Do you have any advice for me and others who’ve gone or are going through this? — SPIRALING IN FLORIDA
DEAR SPIRALING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your fiance. When someone dies by suicide, survivors are often shocked and traumatized. You didn’t mention if your fiance suffered from depression, job loss, a physical ailment or some other condition that may have caused him to act out. If he was abusive to you, you did the RIGHT thing by moving out. This is nothing to feel guilty for.
I’m glad you are receiving counseling. Many survivors have been helped by talking things through with a licensed psychotherapist. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, established in 1987, lists worldwide suicide bereavement support groups as a public service to loss survivors. It can be accessed at afsp.org. Please don’t wait to reach out.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
