DEAR ABBY: Our adult daughter has children we adore. She asked if we could help out by watching them for a few hours occasionally, and we jumped at that. We had done this regularly before the delivery of the newest addition (three months ago), and the kids would occasionally spend the night. With the new addition, she wanted us to come to her house to watch them, and that was OK as well — anything to ease her anxiety about leaving the baby.
On our first visit, she asked that we not come early, to allow her time to get ready. The second time, we showed up about 10 minutes early. I didn’t realize we were early. I habitually run slightly late. When she opened the door (hand never leaving the door), she said, “I thought I asked you not to come early.” I handed her the food we had brought for the older children, along with some of her things, and started to head back out, because she announced she would just call their father to get off work early. I kissed her cheek, said “I love you,” and told the children I loved them. Her hand never left the door.
We’ve talked about it since, but she says she did nothing wrong. Now she’s gaslighting me, saying I seemed “off” and asking if I was going through anything. While I was early, I really don’t see how it was such a big deal. She hasn’t asked us to watch them since, and when I’ve invited them over, she says they have plans. Advice, please? — PUNISHED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR PUNISHED: It is interesting that your daughter is asking whether you were “going through something,” because the opposite may be true. Your daughter may be dealing with emotional problems, a hormone imbalance or having problems coping now that there is a new baby in the mix. If you need an interpreter to give you some insight about the abrupt change in routine, I suggest asking your son-in-law.
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my husband and I were invited to the wedding of a close friend’s daughter. We stayed two nights at the destination and gave a $300 cash gift to the newlyweds. The evening of the wedding, when I went to put my gift into the box for cards and gifts, the big wooden box was gone. The bartender said the couple had already taken it to their room, but he would take the envelope and make sure they got it. I gave it to him.
After six months, I hadn’t received a thank-you note, so I asked my friend if the couple had gotten my gift. I told her I was concerned because it was cash and I had given it to the bartender. She asked her daughter, who told her to tell me, “We got it.” Since then, my friendship with this friend seems to have become very distant. Tell me, was I wrong? — MYSTIFIED IN NEW YORK
DEAR MYSTIFIED: You weren’t wrong. Considering the odd circumstances, you did exactly the right thing by asking if the cash had been received. Your friend, however, may have interpreted your question as criticism of her daughter because, after six months, you hadn’t received an acknowledgment of your generous gift.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
