DEAR ABBY: I have a 54-year-old profoundly disabled, non-verbal child who is in a group home. I have been advocating for her since birth, when we learned she had suffered severe brain damage. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck for so long that the damage was irreparable. My first husband couldn’t handle it and left us.
Luckily, a number of years later, I met and married a wonderful man. He treated my daughter as if she were his own. Every weekend, we would take her out for breakfast. Many times, we’d have to leave the restaurant because of her behavior. He was my rock and my support and helped with her until his death.
I still visit her, but I find it increasingly difficult, knowing that one day I won’t be there for her. Physically, I’m no longer able to take her out by myself. I also can’t ask friends to help for fear they could get hurt. I feel guilty, but also want to have some peace in my life before I leave this Earth. After visits with my daughter, I am sad for days. How can I get over this guilt I feel and find peace? — EMOTIONAL MAMA IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR MAMA: You have no reason to feel guilty. Your daughter’s disability is not your fault. Neither is the fact that you are no longer physically able to lift and transport her. You are doing the best you can by letting her know you love her. Babies need touch and the reassurance that they are loved. You are already doing that and have for many years. If you haven’t already done so, ensure your daughter will get proper care if anything happens to you. Accomplish this by putting your wishes in writing with the help of your attorney.
DEAR ABBY: My long-ago ex-husband “Hal” is friendly with me and my husband. He lives two doors down from us. He can drive, but whenever we visit family, he always asks to hitch a ride. We don’t mind if it’s dark out, because he has trouble with night vision, but we don’t want to be his chauffeur and be regarded as a “throuple” anymore. Worse, he always undercuts me when I’m talking — “that’s not true,” “it wasn’t that day,” “it didn’t happen that way,” etc. I think Hal gets jealous when I receive any attention.
We’ve been kind to him because his son (and mine) died a year ago. The last straw was when I was talking about a time my son asked my opinion. Hal cut in to say, “I don’t think our son would follow your advice.” How do we remain friends with Hal but stop this without blowing our stacks? — CLOSE TO LOSING IT
DEAR CLOSE: The next time Hal asks to hitch a ride with you to visit family, tell him that while you overlooked his undercutting in the past, when he said he didn’t think your son would follow your advice, he went too far. Then tell him that in the future he will be arranging his own transportation because he won’t be riding with you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
