DEAR ABBY: I met “Donny” 18 months ago. For a while, we were both happy. Then suddenly, every Friday, Donny would make some excuse, smoke a cigarette and go to the bar across the street. Afterward, he would show up here drunk, and we would argue. When Donny was sober, he was a great guy, but every weekend he disappeared. Although I tried every day to help him, the drinking evolved into drugs.
A few months ago, he came over to visit. He started acting “off” and went into my bathroom. A short time later, I found him kneeling on the floor. It looked like he had taken something. The next morning when I went to wake him up, Donny had died! I called 911 and tried CPR. There was nothing they could do. He had overdosed. I’m now living with guilt. If only I had tried to wake him earlier, maybe he could have been saved. I’m taking medication, but I am stuck. I stay home most of the time. I want to move forward but can’t seem to do it. Any advice? — STUCK IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR STUCK: You have nothing to feel guilty about. Donny didn’t die because of anything you did or didn’t do. His dealer gave him a drug that was more powerful than he could tolerate, and he took it. In fact, if you hadn’t invited him in, he probably would have died on the street somewhere. Because you cannot move past the guilt you have inflicted upon yourself, and the medication you are taking isn’t doing the job, start talking with a mental health professional who can help you through this. You have my sympathy for the loss of someone you loved.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law drives me bonkers. It started when our son (her only grandchild) was born. She is obsessed with him. We live in different states, and during our most recent visit there, she kept pressuring my son to come back on his own for two or three weeks. She constantly voices her opinions loudly in his presence, whether they are about schools we are considering, extracurricular activities, etc., and she is nasty about things she doesn’t agree with. She also interrupts everyone and has no interest in anything that may be important to others if it doesn’t have an impact on her. An example: I was asked to lead a local nonprofit organization. She promptly sneered about the organization, offering not one word of support.
I would be happy to never see her again while still encouraging my son to have a relationship with her. However, HE’S the one who doesn’t want to visit her without me and his dad, so it’s not US saying no. My husband (her only child) tries his best, but she’s his mom and he’s caught in the middle. Have you any idea how to handle this difficult relationship? — NEEDLED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR NEEDLED: No law states that you must send your son to visit your husband’s mother if he doesn’t want to go. Because your husband isn’t strong enough to be the “bad guy,” it will be up to you to tell her that your son (I assume he’s still quite young and can’t speak for himself) will not be visiting unless it is part of a family unit. When she gives you an argument (and she probably will), be polite and stand firm.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
