DEAR ABBY: My son and his fiancee are getting married in a few months. They are planning a small reception with only their closest friends and family. Unfortunately, this excludes my late father’s second wife, “Bonnie,” who has been in our lives for nearly 40 years. My son has no particular problem with Bonnie, but she has struggled with mental health issues over the years, and at times her behavior created friction within the family. She has made no effort to welcome my son’s fiancee to the family, and, as a result, he feels no strong desire to include her.
I respect my son’s decision, but unfortunately it puts me in an awkward position. While I’m not extremely close to Bonnie either, we are the only family she has, and I’ve always made a point of including her in holidays and other family celebrations, even after my father’s death several years ago. She’s a good person, but she’s easily offended and will be devastated when she finds out she’s not invited to the reception. At this time, she knows my son is engaged but does not know when the wedding is. I’m struggling with how to tell her, if at all. Please help. — GROOM’S MOM IN THE EAST
DEAR MOM: You are not particularly close to Bonnie. Your son is even less so. This is HIS wedding reception, and you should step back and stay out of it. When (and if) Bonnie learns about the reception to which she was not invited, remind her then that the reception was small, they were not able to include her, and if she takes issue with it, she should discuss it with your son.
DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away 10 years ago. We were married for 45 years. Two years ago, my daughter set me up on a dating site. I met and married a man I connected with there. To this day, my son and daughter have not spoken to me! I live 3 miles from them. They have never met my husband and have not accepted my choice. Abby, they even contacted my lawyer! He told them, “Your mother is an adult and can make her own decisions.”
Most of my life, I’ve helped my children when they asked. It’s never easy to start over, but we are both doing our very best. I want them to know my husband loves me, as I love him. It’s not perfect, but for 45 years I went through great and difficult times. Before his death, my late husband apologized for the hurt he caused me. How do I bring my children back into my life and introduce my new husband to them? He sees the sadness I feel. — HOPING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HOPING: From what you have written, you made a wise choice in agreeing to marry your new husband. Forgive me if this seems cynical, but when adult children contact a lawyer to prevent a parent’s marriage (to someone they have never met), I can’t help but suspect there may be an inheritance involved. Before reaching out to your children, please schedule some sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist who can advise you how (or if) to proceed. And then, and this is CRUCIAL, discuss it with your legal adviser to prevent being taken advantage of.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
