DEAR ABBY: Nine months ago, my friend “Anne” moved in with me after losing her home following her boyfriend’s death. Since then, she’s had trouble finding employment, but when she does work, she spends money on stuff she really doesn’t need. She’s always talking about how she hates to be a burden on me and will move out ASAP. Then she buys random stuff from online shopping sites (like designer purses and clothes), so I doubt she’s saving for her own place yet. She says it’s because she’s been through a lot and she deserves it. She has a “you only live once” mindset. She once encouraged me to buy a brand-new $300 set of luggage “just because I liked it.” She also shows her appreciation to me by buying me things.
We’re both in our mid-50s, each with an only child in their 30s, and I’m trying to get rid of stuff I don’t need so my daughter won’t have to deal with it when I’m gone. I know we’re both adults and that I don’t have the right to tell Anne what to do with her money and life. I just would rather she take the money she’s spending on frivolous stuff for me and put it toward getting her own place.
Anne’s sensitive and takes things personally. How do I break it to her gently that I’m not a fan of presents, and the best way she can show her gratitude to me is to save her hard-earned money instead of buying me more stuff I don’t need (and really don’t want)? — THANKS, BUT NO THANKS
DEAR T.B.N.T.: What you need to “break gently” to your friend is that you do not want a permanent roommate, and that if she wants to show her gratitude, you would appreciate her starting to seriously save so she has the money to get a place of her own.
DEAR ABBY: I was wondering how to handle questions I get about children. My wife and I don’t have kids. For example, at a networking event in which people don’t want to lead off with what they do, children seem a “safe” topic. In my opinion, if someone wants to bring up the subject of children, they should first ask if everyone in the group has them, because it becomes awkward when they get to me, and I say we are childless. (Same goes for other sensitive topics, such as cancer, etc.) Isn’t it rude for people to assume that everyone has children, because, if they don’t, they are then excluded in the group discussion? I can’t share my child’s graduation story, broken bones, etc. — CHILD-FREE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CHILD-FREE: Not everyone has kids. It’s a fact. Rather than rude, the questioners are thoughtless. A way to deal with the question would be to say, “My wife and I are child-FREE.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
