DEAR ABBY: I’m struggling with something that feels both silly and painful. I’ve developed intense feelings (maybe even “limerence”) for a man I know, and no matter how hard I try, no one else seems to compare. I have tried dating apps, looking at younger guys, older guys, conventionally attractive guys. Nothing clicks. I keep thinking, why can’t I just lower my standards? Or, why can’t I find others attractive when I know logically this person isn’t the only man on Earth?
Am I broken? Am I too fixated on a type? Am I missing out on good people just because they don’t give me butterflies? I know I can’t (and maybe shouldn’t) wait around for this one guy, but opening myself up to others feels impossible when they all feel so “meh” or even repulsive in comparison. How can I break out of this mental trap? I’m 30, so I feel I need to figure this all out. — STUCK IN MY HEAD AND HEART
DEAR STUCK: The kind of intense attraction you feel for this man does not necessarily lead to a lasting relationship. Not once in your letter did you mention that he has indicated he has feelings for you, or even knows who you are.
At the age of 30, you are a little old to be waiting around for someone who may never come around. A way to break out of what you call the “mental trap” would be to start concentrating on other things and live your life. Put the fantasy of romance aside for a while, and you may meet some wonderful people and form relationships that are reciprocal.
DEAR ABBY: My sister is struggling with severe mental health issues, and so is her live-in boyfriend of 6 1/2 years. She thinks everyone she’s ever had contact with was involved in human trafficking her throughout her childhood. Abby, we grew up safe and privileged on a farm, but my sister had some severe trauma starting in our late teen years. We are now in our mid-40s. She refuses treatment and thinks there is nothing wrong with her.
Everyone in our family except for our mom has distanced themselves from her, including her three adult children. We all love her, but if we try to help, she creates destructive delusions regarding our lives, too. She’s always been a handful but has gone downhill since she has been with her boyfriend.
Neither one of them can work, and she is trying to get on disability. He already is. They barely get by. Abby, what can we do to help? It is painful to see her this way when medicine could help, but she refuses. — LOSING HOPE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR LOSING HOPE: Medicine might help, IF your sister were willing to accept that kind of intervention. Because she isn’t, and she and her boyfriend are barely getting by, it might be wise to seek the help of a social worker. If there is a department of mental health in your sister’s county, consider contacting someone there and asking for help with this problem.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
