DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was in high school, and Dad kept the house I grew up in. I’m in college across town and have my own place, but I still visited Dad often. As a teenager, it used to be my job to cook the family dinner two nights a week. I loved it and continued to cook when I was visiting.
Dad now has a serious girlfriend who has moved in with him. She’s uncomfortable with a “guest” being in “her” kitchen and says it’s appropriate for me to only be in the living room when I visit. If I want a glass of water, I’m supposed to ask her for it. She calls it being a good host, but it feels like a power move to push me out. Dad says it’s her house and her rules.
I’m sad that what was my home for 18 years is now off-limits. I get that she’s insecure about the relationship and wants to put some distance between me and my dad, but I no longer feel welcome in the house I grew up in because she’s so rigid. I have invited them (both) to my place, but they haven’t accepted. What do I do now? — PUSHED OUT IN ARKANSAS
DEAR PUSHED: Your father’s girlfriend appears to be both controlling and insecure, and your father has made clear that he doesn’t want to rock the boat. Under the circumstances, you have no choice but to follow the new “house rules.” If you can abide by them, visit your dad. If you can’t reconcile yourself, then you may have to wait for him to miss your presence in his life before he will consent to be a guest at your place. (What a sad state of affairs. I’m sorry.)
DEAR ABBY: I am an animal person. I love all kinds, but when it comes to dogs, I don’t like the smell, the mess, the fur, the jumping, the slobbering and the general mayhem of an untrained dog. My spouse’s family has many dogs, big and small. They’re not trained — the family prefers them that way. They think it’s “cute” when they jump or climb on a visitor’s lap. They believe it’s a way to “win people over.” Their dogs are allowed on the furniture, making it very smelly. They also feed them while we are at the dinner table.
I understand people love their pets and treat them like family, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their ways for me. But I also don’t see why I should subject myself to something that disgusts me.
Is there a polite way to tell them I am not comfortable eating or visiting in their home? I’ve learned the quickest way to pick a fight is to say “I don’t like dogs” to a dog person. (I have a cat but would never dream of dragging her out in public or to someone’s home.) My in-laws also allow smoking in their home. I am a non-smoker. I don’t do bad smells well. Have you any advice? — IN THE DOGHOUSE IN FLORIDA
DEAR “DOGHOUSE”: I sure do. Be open and honest with your dog-loving in-laws. Tell them exactly what you have written to me, and (trust me on this) you won’t be subjected to their hospitality again. Problem solved.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
