DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old single mom who is extremely close with my 20-year-old daughter, who is away at college. I haven’t dated for 12 years, partly because I did not want distractions from parenting.
Recently, a young man has contacted me for a casual relationship. These are my issues: He’s 21. My daughter would be disgusted, and I could never tell her. Six years ago, he was a student of mine. (I teach high school.) Nothing inappropriate happened when he was a student. In fact, he had such a rude attitude that I once met with his mother. I know this could never go anywhere, but I don’t want anything to go anywhere.
At this point in my life, I would like to date casually. He lives several hours away so we would see each other only occasionally. I’m trying to decide whether my reluctance is justified and I should decline, or if I’m taking societal ideals too personally and I should have some fun but keep this secret from my daughter. — UNCERTAIN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNCERTAIN: Put the brakes on this while you still can and look for someone older to play with. Your daughter may be a college student, but she’s no longer a child. Secrets like the one you are considering have a way of eventually coming out. Please think this through before jumping into anything that could cause you or your daughter potential embarrassment.
DEAR ABBY: My baby boy died unexpectedly, and for a long time, I was completely lost. I cried all the time. I couldn’t stand to be around anyone or leave the house. With time and counseling, I’m starting to emerge again, but it’s really hard.
One problem is, when I run into someone I haven’t seen in a while, they ask how I am. They go on to say how sorry they were to hear about my son’s passing, and then they want to tell me about someone they lost. I can’t have this conversation without bursting into tears, sometimes sobbing hysterically. The outing is then ruined, and I have to go home again.
How can I get people to not do this? I know they are trying to be caring, but I can’t function if I have to keep having this conversation over and over. — JUST OUT FOR GROCERIES
DEAR JUST OUT: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your precious baby boy. When people ask how you are doing, tell them you are “doing well under the circumstances and don’t wish to discuss it further.” Period! Change the subject and, if necessary, walk away.
For some unknown reason, when someone has lost a loved one, others feel it is “comforting” for the bereaved to know about similar cases. THIS IS NOT TRUE! When people have suffered a loss, they are only IRRITATED by well-meaning friends who say, “I know exactly what you are going through. I experienced something similar.”
Folks, when comforting the grieving, comparisons should be avoided.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
