DEAR ABBY: My husband has been retired from law enforcement for five years. I can’t retire, as I am self-employed. I was always the one who had to take time off work to care for him with his back and hip surgeries, his mom, his dad and my mom for the past 15 years. I also took care of his kids during weekend visits.
He has spent his retirement in chronic pain. He stays in bed until 11 a.m., and has reconnected with his high school and college girlfriends. All of them cheated on him or stole from him and broke his heart. One was convicted of felony larceny for stealing from a charity fundraiser.
He promised initially that he would give these women up, but for the last three years he has lied to me about being in contact with them. He says he shouldn’t have to give them up because “they were an important part of his life.” Abby, they gave him STDs and abandoned him, while I have stupidly been loyal and faithful.
I know he probably suffers from PTSD and has anger issues, because he is mean to me. But I so looked forward to having a “real” marriage once the stress of his job was over. He intermittently packs his belongings and leaves, but he returns after a few hours. He confides in these women, and they speak badly about me because of his lies. I don’t want their energy in my marriage. What can I do? — BEWILDERED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BEWILDERED: Consult a lawyer. Then, finally, put your foot down. Tell your husband you are appalled by his ingratitude after the years of love and care you have given him, and that unless he agrees to marriage counseling, he will be spending his retirement without you.
While you’re at it, tell him his emotional affairs (if that’s all they are) with women who have abused him are sick, and you will no longer tolerate his constant lying about them. Then prepare to leave, because he is unlikely to change, and you deserve much better.
DEAR ABBY: I live in a small, semirural neighborhood. My neighbors did not discipline their kids, and now they are teenagers. Six months ago, I caught the younger one trying to stand on my chain-link fence, and last year the gate to the fence to my front yard. This morning, I was mowing my yard on their side of my house and saw a decorative piece of my post lying on the ground.
They are generally good neighbors. They are great with my dog, and I don’t want to ruin the friendship. Should I say something to the parents, knowing I don’t have video, or should I confront their son, or neither? — TEEN-AFFECTED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR TEEN-AFFECTED: Do not ignore this, hoping it will go away. Your fencepost has now been damaged and needs to be repaired. Start by talking to the boy who did it. Tell him you have always liked him and are disappointed in his poor judgment.
Ask how he plans to make things right. (He could “work it off” by watering your lawn, walking your dog, etc., for a specific amount of time.) If, however, he is disrespectful, THAT would be the time to talk to his parents.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
